What’s dating advice from a preacher got to do with it?

If you are like me, you’ve had about enough of the nastiness of the campaign season.  It seems that common decency and respect headed for the exit pretty early in this dance.  I wondered why that happened, but only for a moment.  The reason is pretty obvious to us all, I suspect.  Is it just me or do you sense a loss of respect and good manners – particularly between men and women?  I’m afraid we’re losing it, and that isn’t good.  It’s bad enough when it shows up in a campaign season.  It’s sad when it’s apparent in the little day-to-day interactions between people.

 I’m going to go out on a limb here and do something I have no qualifications to do.  I am going to throw out a sociological theory about something I have been noticing and trying really hard to understand.  This theory is based on nothing but my personal observations.  Here we go.

I have long been intrigued by the notion that people fall into categories based on when they were born (generation), and then are assigned particular characteristics that are said to be common to that generation.  Specifically I’ve been looking at the Gen X and Millennial categories.  Here’s a typical definition of each that I’ve found: 

Gen X
▪  Born in the ‘60s and ‘70s (and maybe a few years of the early ‘80s)
▪  Range in age from about 34 to 54
▪  Grew up to be “rebels” but also loved the Muppets
▪  Highly educated
▪  Clinging to last fragments of “coolness”
▪  Career-focused 

Millennials
▪  Born in the 1980’s through about 1995
▪  range in age from roughly 19 to 33
▪  Delay their passage into adulthood at all costs
▪  Tech-savvy
▪  Value authenticity

▪  Fulfillment is more important than career accomplishments

What I found particularly interesting is that rates of home ownership and marriage are lower among Millenials as compared to preceding generations.  Millenials tend to rent more than buy a house, and tend to date or cohabitate more than marry.  Ok, so maybe that’s so, I say to myself.  It must be true enough for enough people in those generations to lead people who study this stuff to draw those conclusions, so I’ll just go with that.

But it seems to me that those generational categories can’t be as clearly defined as dates on a calendar.  Born December 31st 1979 and you are a Gen Xer.  Born the next day and you are a full-blown Millennial.  Obviously, it can’t be that simple.  So what are the implications of that for people whose birth years kind of straddle that generational divide?   Straddlers - that’s the term I’ll coin, unless someone else has already done that.  And apart from the birth date issue, what about those people whose life experiences have “moved” them into different generational characteristics?  Can Millenials have the characteristics of a Gen Xer and a Gen Xer of a Millennial?  My common sense tells me that must be so.

Here’s what’s on my mind today - what are the implications of that for those Straddlers who are looking for a relationship?  Can you see where I’m going with that?  So maybe the Straddler is looking to date with the goal of a long-term relationship, marriage, house and kids, but meets people of roughly his/her same age who are just not ready for a “grown-up” relationship?  Or while out on a date - maybe even a first one – the Millennial-leaning Straddler can’t help but have his/her cell phone on the table and look at it.  Meanwhile the Gen X-leaning Straddler is finding that very un-cool and off-putting.   Or maybe the Millennial-leaning Straddler who values “being authentic” considers it good on a date – maybe even on a first one – to share everything that’s on his/her mind about everything, while the Gen X-leaning Straddler is thinking “But what about me?  Why do you think I want to know all of this about you now?” The Gen X-leaning Straddler is oriented toward a ring and a house and kids; the Millennial-leaning Straddler is quite OK with living together in a rental.  The Gen X-leaning Straddler is thinking, “So I’m kind of like the apartment?  When he/she gets tired of the scenery, he/she will just “let the lease expire” and move somewhere else?”  Meanwhile, the Millennial-leaning Straddler is thinking, “What’s the rush?”  For those of you who have been out there in the dating world as “Straddlers,” you know what it’s been like.   I’m sitting here as a middle-aged Baby-boomer (yes, my own generation has its own share of issues), and I watch all of this leaving people confused and hurt and frustrated.

Being a guy who doesn’t think much of people who point out problems but offer no solutions, I’d like to throw a couple things out for consideration.  The first is, well, theological.  The second, not so much.  Here we go.

I’m not a sociologist, and the closest I come to psychology is driving my wife crazy.  But I am a student of the Word, and that has given me some insights.  The first is this: God’s plan is to give the blessings of companionship, sexual fulfillment and children to marriage.  So, if you are not ready for that commitment, how about leaving the sexual intimacy off the menu?   That’s pretty simple, really.  Guys, if you are not ready for the serious life-long commitment and work of marriage, don’t ask for a sexual relationship with her.  She’s not a rental.  She is a special creation of God who has hopes and dreams – and a Dad and maybe brothers.  None of them – not God, not her Dad, and not her brothers – will look kindly on you treating her as anything less.  Women – if he does not consider you worth the investment of marriage, don’t let him treat you as his wife.  It’s all about boundaries and expectations, really:  the boundaries and expectations God sets in his Word for the relationships between men and women (Baby Boomers, Gen Xers, Millenials, and whatever comes next).  Have those boundaries and expectations, too.  Whenever we run afoul of them it is an affront to Him, messes up our relationships, and makes life way more complicated than it needs to be.  And when we do run afoul of those boundaries and expectations, thank God we have the blood and righteousness of Jesus to cover that, pick us up, dust us off, and move us to do better.  That’s the theological part.

Now for some just good old common sense – or at least I hope you think it is.  “Being authentic” and “keeping it real” may seem all well and good, but I am afraid one of the casualties of that self-indulgence has been manners on the dating scene.  Think of manners as courtesy and respect with their dating clothes on.  I am stunned when I see some of the things that happen.  I’m going to speak to the guys here because, well, I am one so that’s all I know.  I’m going to throw this out there because these things are important whether you are Boomer, a Gen Xer or a Millennial.  Here we go:

·         If you are going to ask her out on a date, don’t make it last minute.  Last minute dates requests say, “I couldn’t think of anything else to do tonight so I figured I’d ask you.”  Yeah, that’ll impress her.   Give it some thought, let her know where you’d like to go, and what kind of place it is.  Give her the courtesy of knowing how she’ll need to prepare (assuming she says yes, of course.)  That’s just good manners.

·         Amp down the cologne and amp up the attire.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out with my wife and I see a guy whose leaving a vapor trail through the restaurant from his cologne.  This is one of those “less is more” things.  And just as important is attire.  His date clearly put some thought and planning into what she’s wearing.   Her date?  Clearly not so much.  That says to her, “You were worthy of only this much effort.”  Not good manners.

·         If you and she decide on a time when you will meet her or pick her up at her place, be there.  If you have to call and back the time up a bit, it’d better be for a good reason – traffic accident that snarled traffic, a meteor hit your house, or Jesus came back in glory.  Anything less and it will just come off as poor planning or disinterest on your part.  Better let her know if you are running late.  That’s just good manners.

·         Open doors for her, not because she can’t, but because it’s kind.  That includes the venue where you are going, the car - pretty much every door you will encounter on your date, except the one to the Ladies Room.  

·         Leave your cell phone in your pocket.  Don’t have it on the table – it will beckon to you.  Don’t check your cell phone, either.  Doing that says, “Being out with you is nice, but I wonder what I’m missing out on elsewhere?”  If you think enough of her to want to spend time with her, then give her your attention.  Don’t make her compete with technology for it.  If you do, you’ll lose.

·         A wedding ring does not constitute a statute of limitations on these manners.  Married guys:  keep dating your wife with dating manners.  It matters.

Get the idea?  Common decency and respect live in the little things every day.  And there’s no reason why any of are incapable of it.   Maybe if we did those things that are timeless and cut across generational divides, we would find decency and respect coming back in our culture.  It’s sure worth a try, don’t you think?   If you have any thoughts on this, I’d like to hear it!